Starve Your Doubts, Not Your Emotions!



My school-girl look with the pigtails, glasses, stripes, and a fun attitude!

Oh wow, I am SO happy I went to the counselor! It's unbelievable how much we relate! She had an eating disorder for (if I remember correctly) ten years of her life. That's actually why she became a counselor; she really got help from other counselors when she was trying to recover. Oh, and I should mention for the heck of it that she is beautiful! And so good at counseling. She told me something that really made sense to me after I mentioned that I never have liked showing my emotions: "One reason why many have an eating disorder is that they attempt to starve their emotions and not have to worry about it." It reminded of this mug I have that says, "Starve your doubts" and I kinda like that. Starve your doubts, not your emotions! I think that will be my "motto" now. So whenever my old motto ("food doesn't satisfy") pops in my head, I can think about my new one. I really enjoyed my time with her, and honestly I wanted to keep talking to her after it was time to say goodbye. But we are going to see each other once every two weeks, which seems great! In the meantime, I have been going on her site and reading many inspirational "articles" she's written. Which, by the way, I normally do not like; I find them boring, but not hers!

In other news, my dog (Bonnie) had gotten poisoned badly. She had no appetite, had no energy, was vomiting, and was panting excessively. That's my girl; if anything happens to her, I get extremely sad and worried. She is the sweetest dog and I love her so much! But thankfully, she seems to be getting back to her old self after a few days. You do not know how happy and relieved I am!

How Did I Ever Get So Deep?



My latest photo, me kinda showing off my goofy side
(which hasn't happened in a long time).

Sorry for the long wait on an update! I have been sick. I always get sick because of this disorder! I actually went to the doctor because it had gotten really bad. My female doctor wasn't in, so I had to see the male doctor (I don't like male doctors). "You have a virus. I'll give you some medicine, but I don't think it will help." Gee, I had no idea I had a virus! Oh, and thank you so much for medicine that probably won't help. I really appreciate it! I am still kind of sick, but it's mainly just my throat. I always tend to have a lingering cough and sore throat even weeks after sickness.
Anyway, I am on recovery! I have been for a little over a week now. My emotions are intense! I will be steaming mad, then a minute later I will be laughing like a clown. Next thing you know, I am sad. I am on an emotional roller coaster! But as far as my body, it seems that the weight is going to my stomach. I'm guessing I'm kind of bloated right now? But it sucks that the weight has to be my stomach, since that is where I am the most self-conscious (and a root to my eating disorder, as I always wanted those "perfect abs"). But I am making sure to wear larger tops and just to avoid looking at my tummy as much as possible. I am also trying to avoid looking at any super-skinny people that I see on TV or other entertainment. All they do is make me more depressed, since I am not that strong yet. I actually made a quote out of nowhere yesterday: "A person's beauty is like a bag of M&M's. Sure, the design of the bag is nice, but what everyone finds the most attractive is what's inside it." I don't know how I came up with that, but I did! And I really like it. I even submitted to a quote application, and it says I have many hits and that people have sent it to others, so that makes me happy that something I said is liked by others.
Another thing is that I am going to see a counselor (female, thank God) in a couple days. I am very nervous about the whole idea of having to talk about me and my selfishness, but we'll see how it goes. I am trying to be open (which seems to be a problem of mine). I will keep you all posted, and have an amazing day!

The Purity of a Fresh Start



We have snow! I love it so much.

What can I say? Just writing on here last night and getting some support from strangers really helped me into thinking about the whole recovery thing again. I was watching Minute to Win It because I was bored like crazy, and there were these two best friends. And I immediately thought of how beautiful one of them was. Then I was actually looking more specifically (not in a weird way), and I realized she wasn't skinny (not fat either). You know what? She was really a perfect size to me. And guess what? She really was close to the size I used to be. That really hit me like a train to think that I may have never been fat (not saying that I haven't, but I am trying to look at myself differently). Yeah, I know people never thought I was big, but I never listened. My point is, I'd rather be happy and actually be the size what I think is pretty (even if I only think that size is pretty on someone else) than depressed and always strive to be skinnier. Okay, it's not gonna be that easy. And I'm still not convinced to start recovery yet. I will keep you guys updated!
I don't know what it is, but today I have been--for the first time in a very long time--actually happy. It may have been from having snow 7.4" deep (we never get snow), but I think it was more than that. I have also prayed today, which was the first time in many months. I lost my faith this year and beyond, and I realize that it is probably why I have relapsed and possibly even relied on my eating disorder. Whatever the case, I have felt really good today and kinda felt even pretty.
Thanks for all the support out there! Talk soon.

My Apologies...

Christmas Eve 2010. My brother took a photo without me knowing.

I know I haven't been on here in a long time. Can you guess why? Because I relapsed and I don't feel as if I have deserved to even post on here, but I have put my guilt aside today. I am down to lowest weight I have been, actually. I should be happy, right? I can fit into the sizes I have never dreamed of wearing, and even my fingers have went down in a size. But I am not happy, though. I am completely torn these days as to what I should do. Get better or stay in my comfort zone and not eat. Right now, I have been letting Ana take a hold of me, and I have been more depressed than ever because I am so angry at myself. All I wish is to be normal and just even take a bite of food without worrying about "getting fat." I really get jealous of those that are able to do that. I remember when I was like that, and my life was so care-free and enjoyable. Now life is only about calories and weight. No joke, I don't stop thinking about those things for a second. And it's complete torture. For those who think an eating disorder is easily controllable, absolutely has never had Ed in their life. It is NOT easy to deal with; it is a type of illness. When I first stopped eating, I felt powerful and happy, but not anymore. I am more stressed than I should be, but for whatever reason, I cannot stop.

Before I go, please note that I did not write this for sympathy (I do not want it). I wrote this for two reasons: to give an explaination as to why I stopped writing in this blog, and to hopefully let those without eating problems to be aware of how hard anorexia is and to never want to have anorexia. It is not a game. I still do want to get better, but until I do, I am not so sure if I will be writing for this blog. For now, take care and I hope to talk soon.

P.S. I am very active on Facebook, so you can talk to me there.

I Do Declare, How Dare You?!

Another picture from last week. It goes with the post title.

I've had it! I am so ticked off at everything wanting to lose weight. There are so many pressures in this culture. Every where you turn, there's "diet tricks" and crap. I hate all this "obese awareness" more than anything. I think somebody knows if they're overweight, so don't try to make them feel worse than they are. That pressures you to turn to Ed. A lot of the obese awareness is directed to kids nowadays more than anything. I think know kids already have bad self-esteem. Ugh! When they say "obese," they're obviously not realizing that kids don't understand what obese is (because of the bad self-esteem), they think that whatever obese is, they're it (I would know). That's why there's so many Ed victims. Did all those weight-loss activists realize that there's a much higher risk dying losing weight than gaining? Yes, I realize there's more to anorexia than losing weight, but that is how it starts (for me, at least). I wish I could raise more awareness on Ana and other eating disorders. And not show the supper-skinny ones that are half the weight they're supposed to be (for me, that actually encouraged me; they were my thinspiration). I would like to show the ones that most may not even expect have a eating problem. There are so many of them in this world, and no one even knows it. I want to reach out to those people and give them a hug. They need it. If you are victim, please know that I would love to talk, if you need it. I really care! I am going to add a contacts page soon, so anybody with this problem (or just wanna say hi), can write to me personally.

Now for another vent...
Ana has been hitting me harder than ever (since I have been in recovery, that is). I am automatically thinking, if I skip this, I can eat this. I was trying to eat at least 1,200 calories each day (the bare minimum, as my doctor says), now I am back down to about half of that. Not to mention I am exercising a lot more, too. So I have the net calories of less than 200. Way better than before I started, but not even close to good for my recovery plan. I am mad that I am just allowing it! I really have been thinking of counseling. It scares me, because I never believed in therapy and all that, but I am willing to be brave about it and see how it is. Maybe it will help a little.

Done with the venting. Sorry about that! So did you ever do what I told you? You know, look in the mirror, show your abs, and tell yourself you look great. You better have! If not, then do it now. And guess what? I have another dare! Go up to your close friend or a family member (that isn't judgmental), show off your abs, and say, "Feel my tough abs. Super strong!" It's fun; I do it myself all the time. Matter of fact, I even drew a Chester cat (with a tongue sticking out, and I used my belly button as the nose) on my abs, and showed them off the whole night. I like to dare myself to do stuff that scares me, and I encourage you to do so as well. Doesn't matter what others think. Do it for yourself. And have fun!
By the way, we have a new page, Meal Plans. The meal plan I wrote in it is from the last post. And like I said, I am working on a Contacts page as well.

Have a good day, Beauts! :)