The Purity of a Fresh Start



We have snow! I love it so much.

What can I say? Just writing on here last night and getting some support from strangers really helped me into thinking about the whole recovery thing again. I was watching Minute to Win It because I was bored like crazy, and there were these two best friends. And I immediately thought of how beautiful one of them was. Then I was actually looking more specifically (not in a weird way), and I realized she wasn't skinny (not fat either). You know what? She was really a perfect size to me. And guess what? She really was close to the size I used to be. That really hit me like a train to think that I may have never been fat (not saying that I haven't, but I am trying to look at myself differently). Yeah, I know people never thought I was big, but I never listened. My point is, I'd rather be happy and actually be the size what I think is pretty (even if I only think that size is pretty on someone else) than depressed and always strive to be skinnier. Okay, it's not gonna be that easy. And I'm still not convinced to start recovery yet. I will keep you guys updated!
I don't know what it is, but today I have been--for the first time in a very long time--actually happy. It may have been from having snow 7.4" deep (we never get snow), but I think it was more than that. I have also prayed today, which was the first time in many months. I lost my faith this year and beyond, and I realize that it is probably why I have relapsed and possibly even relied on my eating disorder. Whatever the case, I have felt really good today and kinda felt even pretty.
Thanks for all the support out there! Talk soon.

My Apologies...

Christmas Eve 2010. My brother took a photo without me knowing.

I know I haven't been on here in a long time. Can you guess why? Because I relapsed and I don't feel as if I have deserved to even post on here, but I have put my guilt aside today. I am down to lowest weight I have been, actually. I should be happy, right? I can fit into the sizes I have never dreamed of wearing, and even my fingers have went down in a size. But I am not happy, though. I am completely torn these days as to what I should do. Get better or stay in my comfort zone and not eat. Right now, I have been letting Ana take a hold of me, and I have been more depressed than ever because I am so angry at myself. All I wish is to be normal and just even take a bite of food without worrying about "getting fat." I really get jealous of those that are able to do that. I remember when I was like that, and my life was so care-free and enjoyable. Now life is only about calories and weight. No joke, I don't stop thinking about those things for a second. And it's complete torture. For those who think an eating disorder is easily controllable, absolutely has never had Ed in their life. It is NOT easy to deal with; it is a type of illness. When I first stopped eating, I felt powerful and happy, but not anymore. I am more stressed than I should be, but for whatever reason, I cannot stop.

Before I go, please note that I did not write this for sympathy (I do not want it). I wrote this for two reasons: to give an explaination as to why I stopped writing in this blog, and to hopefully let those without eating problems to be aware of how hard anorexia is and to never want to have anorexia. It is not a game. I still do want to get better, but until I do, I am not so sure if I will be writing for this blog. For now, take care and I hope to talk soon.

P.S. I am very active on Facebook, so you can talk to me there.