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| Christmas Eve 2010. My brother took a photo without me knowing. |
I know I haven't been on here in a long time. Can you guess why? Because I relapsed and I don't feel as if I have deserved to even post on here, but I have put my guilt aside today. I am down to lowest weight I have been, actually. I should be happy, right? I can fit into the sizes I have never dreamed of wearing, and even my fingers have went down in a size. But I am not happy, though. I am completely torn these days as to what I should do. Get better or stay in my comfort zone and not eat. Right now, I have been letting Ana take a hold of me, and I have been more depressed than ever because I am so angry at myself.
All I wish is to be normal and just even take a bite of food without worrying about "getting fat." I really get jealous of those that are able to do that. I remember when I was like that, and my life was so care-free and enjoyable. Now life is only about calories and weight. No joke, I don't stop thinking about those things for a second. And it's complete torture. For those who think an eating disorder is easily controllable, absolutely has never had Ed in their life. It is
NOT easy to deal with; it is a type of illness. When I first stopped eating, I felt powerful and happy, but not anymore. I am more stressed than I should be, but for whatever reason, I cannot stop.
Before I go, please note that I did not write this for sympathy (I do not want it).
I wrote this for two reasons: to give an explaination as to why I stopped writing in this blog, and to hopefully let those without eating problems to be aware of how hard anorexia is and to never want to have anorexia. It is not a game. I still do want to get better, but until I do, I am not so sure if I will be writing for this blog. For now, take care and I hope to talk soon.
P.S. I am very active on Facebook, so you can talk to me there.
please don't give up! seriously, they're is always hope...you just have to search for it in every possible way...ask for help. You can't do it alone.
ReplyDeletei believe if you blogged more it would help you with the anorexia..and possibly distract you from it. You can Do It!!!
You are very kind and I appreciate it. I have trouble asking for help and though I was possibly going to start seeing a counselor, it never happened. I don't even know what's considered a normal meal anymore; I am so stuck.
ReplyDeleteBut I really do love your idea about staying with the blog. It may actually help me, since it kinda made me happy today to release some problems. So, I may just keep writing, even if I haven't started recovery again. You have helped me, so thank you very much for your support. :)