Deterioration and Continuity... Oh, and Strep

Me a few days after eating again. It was Halloween
and I was Barbie. I was so bloated and fat!

Okay, I really failed today and skipped basically every meal. I had one small meal today, which isn't good because my recovery plan was to eat every four hours. Part of me is still where I am happy that I didn't eat. I am especially on low self-esteem today and I feel so fat. But I know that is just my ex talking to me. Gonna stop listening to him and try to eat a little something that has some higher cals in it (like pumpkin seeds). The thing I had today was a small vegetarian Indian T.V. dinner, which is ironic because my bestie from India (you know who you are, Elina) said that today was an Indian holiday. What a coincidence! Truth is, Indian food is my favorite kind of food, but I haven't had in... I don't even know how long it's been.
Another thing is that I went to the doctors today. I made sure that they didn't tell me my weight. I am way too scared that I gained a lot of weight. I am not prepared emotionally to see how much I gained. Anyway, I have been very sick this whole week. I couldn't even swallow one night. So even though I was tired of going to the doctors, I went anyway. And my doctor tested me for strep. I am positive. Ontop of all the vitamins I have to take, I am taking antibiotics and probiotics as well now. I am drinking a lot of tea. Everytime I prepare my tea, I can't help but think about all those times I would drink tea if I ever felt starvation. That would be one of the ways I would calm my stomach down. I have Ed telling me to continue doing that again. Girl, get over him, he's not worth it!
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Back to the story I was telling all you last night...
[...It wasn't even a full serving of grits for crying out loud! In a strange way, I was proud of how little of food was too much for my body to handle. It made me realize how little my stomach was. I didn't want to give up my Ed. He meant so much to me...]  So why did I decide I didn't want him anymore? I am not truly sure. I think it was something more gradual, rather than a sudden decision. I was tired. Tired of being yelled at for not eating. Tired of being freezing even in ninety degree weather. Tired of blanking out when I stood up. Tired of not having much joy. Tired of being the total opposite of me. Dude, I even stopped being boy-crazy. No one saw that coming. There are some bonuses to Ana... being skinny (duh), losing more weight everyday, not having a period (so far, I still do not have it... what a bittersweet day that will be when it does arrive), and the feeling of will-power and confidence. But those "bonuses" were seperating me from what really mattered; life and everything in it. I just wish it was as easy as it sounds. But I do believe in myself enough to realize it can be done.

P.S. I am working on adding pages!